Co-parenting with a high-conflict ex can feel like walking through a minefield – one wrong step and the drama explodes.

While you can’t change your ex’s behavior, you can control how you communicate to minimize stress, create a more peaceful co-parenting dynamic, and keep the focus on your kids.

The following are practical strategies to help parents set clear boundaries, keep their emotions in check, and use strategic communication techniques to navigate difficult conversations with their co-parent (and maintain their sanity during the process).

Recognizing “Blame Speak”

Communications from a high-conflict co-parent often share a few key traits. They tend to blame you for everything, no matter how big or small the issue. They also engage in “all or nothing” thinking, making it difficult to reason or reach an agreement.

Additionally, their unmanaged emotions and extreme reactions are often directed at you. Recognizing these patterns is essential, especially when they trigger an impulsive response, like the urge to defend yourself or confront the other parent. In these moments, try taking a step back—lock your phone, close your eyes, and count to ten. This pause can help you move past the initial frustration and craft a more thoughtful response.

Keep it Brief

As a general rule, keep communications about a single issue between 2-5 sentences. If you catch yourself furiously writing paragraphs to your ex, it’s a good sign to put down the phone or laptop and take a break. Remember, less is more. The shorter your response, the less the other parent has to latch onto and drag out a fight.

Stick to Facts

When communicating with your co-parent, it’s important to stick to the facts and avoid the urge to defend yourself. Keep personal opinions to a minimum, only including them when necessary for the issue at hand—such as legal custody matters. The goal is to keep the conversation focused on the child(ren) or the specific issue being discussed.

Don’t let your ex steer the discussion away from what really matters by introducing irrelevant topics or personal attacks. By consistently redirecting the conversation back to your child(ren)’s needs and the core issue, you help ensure that the communication remains productive and centered on what’s best for you child(ren).

Be Friendly (No Matter How Hard It Is)

It can be challenging, but maintaining a friendly tone in your communications with your ex can make a big difference. Start or end your messages with a simple, positive phrase like “Thanks for raising this issue,” “I appreciate you engaging with me on this,” or “Thanks for being flexible.” Think of it as disarming the situation—by being friendly, you reduce the chances that your ex will use the conversation as a way to provoke you.

Sometimes, it’s also perfectly fine to simply say “Okay” and move on. Keeping things brief and polite helps maintain a more cooperative and less emotionally charged exchange.

Remain Firm

It’s crucial to stay firm in your stance and not give in to intimidation. You can choose to end the conversation, provide a clear call to action (ex. “Please respond by X date/time”), or simply state that you don’t agree. Keeping responses concise and purposeful avoids unnecessary back-and-forth and maintains better control over the situation.

Also, by maintaining your boundaries and not being swayed by pressure, you ensure that decisions are made based on what’s best for your child(ren), rather than being driven by emotional manipulation or coercion.

Avoid the AAA

• Admonishments: Avoid including personal criticisms or blame in your communications. The goal of talking with your co-parent is to address an issue related to your child(ren), not to establish superiority. It’s important to treat your co-parent with respect, even if that respect isn’t always reciprocated.

• Advice: In the heat of the moment or during the height of a fight, the last thing anyone wants to hear is advice. Avoid offering constructive feedback whenever possible, as it can come across as patronizing or superior. If you feel you could help, simply say, “If you would like suggestions, I’m happy to provide them,” and leave the rest up to them. It’s not your responsibility to change your co-parent’s personality or behavior, especially if you’re no longer together. We just have to work with what we have and focus on what’s best for the child(ren).

• Apologies: There’s no need to reinforce a high-conflict co-parent’s behavior. Apologizing can make them feel validated, further fueling their “all or nothing” mindset. Be cautious when using phrases like “sorry” or expressing regret. Instead, focus on moving forward by acknowledging their point without giving in. You can say things like, “Thanks for pointing that out,” “I’ll keep that in mind for the future,” or “I appreciate your patience.” This helps keep the conversation constructive without reinforcing unhelpful patterns.

Know When to Ignore

There are a few key situations when a message from your co-parent doesn’t require a response. These include when the message is simply their opinion about you or a personal attack, when no one else is involved, like your child(ren), or when you’ve already addressed the issue. You also don’t need to respond if there’s no way to change the other parent’s perspective.

However, be cautious, as failing to respond could be interpreted as consent or as if the other parent “won” on an issue with which you disagree. If you do need to clarify, you can say, “I do/did not agree to that,” and leave it at that. Use this approach sparingly to avoid any claims of non-responsiveness, especially from a third party like a judge.

It Shouldn’t Feel Good

Sticking to these strategies may not feel great at first. While they won’t give you the immediate “high” of a fight, they will offer a sense of relief. Unfortunately, being the reasonable, more mature parent requires more effort. It might not feel rewarding right away, but in the long run, it’s better for your peace of mind and for your kid(s). Over time, it will bring you the calm you are seeking.

When dealing with a high-conflict co-parent, it’s key to know when outside intervention or advice may be necessary.

When to Consult with an Attorney

Consulting with a lawyer can help you understand custody agreements, communication boundaries and legal protections that may be available if the conflict escalates. They can also guide you on how to document interactions, respond to hostility, and ensure your co-parenting techniques prioritize the best interests of your child(ren).

These days, texts, emails, and co-parenting apps provide a significant source of evidence in cases regarding custody and visitation, regardless of whether litigation is involved. A trained lawyer can help you communicate with a high-conflict co-parent in a meaningful way that will be child-focused and in the event such communications are needed for a case.

Whether you need legal intervention or simply want clarity on your rights or options, having a licensed professional in your corner can help you navigate co-parenting challenges with confidence and peace of mind.

For more information, contact Neemi at nbpatel@lerchearly.com or 301-657-0137.