It has never made sense to me that a person can simultaneously claim to be acting in a child’s best interests while actively working to diminish the emotional well-being of the person primarily responsible for caring for that child. Yet I see it all the time.

As a family law attorney, I watch a familiar pattern repeat itself. When the child is with Parent X, communication is often minimal. But as soon as the child returns to Parent Y, the floodgates open. Suddenly there are emails and text messages criticizing everything from school lunches to backpacks, from homework assignments to why a daughter had only one leotard in her overnight bag. There is always another grievance, another complaint, another accusation demanding immediate attention.

Meanwhile, Parent Y is attempting to do what parents do every day: be present for the child, help with homework, shuttle between activities, prepare meals, maintain a household, and keep all of life’s trains running on time. The barrage of criticism becomes a second full-time job – taking focus away from the child.

Societally, we often dismiss these behaviors as mere conflict between adults. Courts often do the same. Increasingly, I believe that is a mistake.

What the Research Shows

A recent study from Yale University found that a parent-focused intervention for childhood anxiety was as effective as direct therapy for the child in reducing anxiety symptoms. Remarkably, the children themselves did not participate in the treatment sessions. Researchers improved outcomes for children by working exclusively with parents and changing parental behaviors.

The study was not about divorce, custody disputes, or family court. But it reinforces a principle that many family law practitioners, judges, and mental health professionals have long understood intuitively: a parent’s emotional health – particularly the primary parent – is part of a child’s environment.

Children Are Affected Even When They Aren’t the Target

Children do not experience their families in neat legal categories. They do not distinguish between conduct directed at them and conduct directed at the parent they depend upon every day. They live within an emotional ecosystem. When one parent is chronically stressed, exhausted, anxious, distracted, financially, or emotionally depleted, the effects inevitably ripple outward.

This reality is particularly important in high-conflict divorce and custody cases. Too often, one parent’s treatment of the other is dismissed (by the perpetrator, perpetrator’s counsel, and even sometimes the Court) as irrelevant because it was not directed toward the children. But if a parent is being relentlessly criticized, harassed, intimidated, or financially destabilized, it is inaccurate to argue that the children remain unaffected. Parents are not robots. Their capacity to parent is influenced by their mental and emotional well-being.

A Parent’s Treatment of the Other Parent Matters

None of this means that every disagreement between parents harms children. Divorces without disagreement do not exist, and thankfully, children are resilient.

However, in society and in courtrooms, we must recognize the obvious: a parent’s well-being and a child’s well-being are deeply connected.

For years, many family law professionals have understood that supporting primary caregivers often benefits children. Science is increasingly validating that observation. The lesson should not be controversial. You cannot meaningfully improve a child’s environment while simultaneously working to undermine the person responsible for creating it.

It is time for parents, lawyers, and courts to recognize an uncomfortable truth: a parent’s treatment of the other parent is itself a parenting decision.

Morgan Foster represents clients in all aspects of divorce, including division of assets, spousal and child support, custody, and visitation in Maryland and the District of Columbia. You can reach her at 301-841-0193 or by email at mefoster@lerchearly.com