After 34 years of shepherding people through divorce, some patterns about marriage have become clear. In my experience, divorces tend to fall into one of three broad categories: the people who were a bad fit and never should have gotten married; the people who experience some sort of intervening tragedy; and the people who fail to nurture the relationship.

Failure to nurture the relationship is by far the largest category and yet it is the one over which people have the most control. You can read Part 1of my advice about how to keep your spouse out of my office here: How NOT to Ruin Your Marriage: Tips from a Divorce Lawyer.

The good news is that you don’t need to be perfect in your marriage. Marriage involves humans and humans are by nature imperfect, really imperfect.

If your marriage and your kids are important to you, you need to do whatever it takes to learn how to (1) regulate your emotions, (2) be a good shipmate, and (3) apologize sincerely and quickly when you mess up. These may seem like very basic principles and in many ways, they are. In fact, they are drilled into us from the minute we start formal schooling. And, yet, every day I deal with the fallout from people who can’t seem to master these basic skills in their own home.

The Three Rules You Can’t Ignore

Failure to self-regulate, be a good shipmate, and apologize for mistakes remain the root cause of why most people end up in my office. I cannot say it enough: your spouse and children deserve to be spoken to with respect—at all times—no matter how frustrated or tired or stressed you are.

Every time you explode at your spouse or your children, you are sending them a message and it’s a very destructive one.

For more on how profoundly this type of behavior affects your entire household and how changing it can improve everyone’s life, I recommend reading US by Terrence Real. One client told me he sobbed through an entire chapter and wished he had read it years ago. The bottom line is that no amount of date nights, romantic getaways, or gifts will save your marriage if you can’t follow those three fundamental relationship rules.

For the readers out there, I recommend The New Rules of Marriage, by Terrence Real and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Both books are excellent and very practical guides to improving marriage.

When Leaving Is the Healthier Choice

When people marry the wrong person or experience a tragedy during their marriage, sometimes the best answer is to go their separate ways.

When I advise people on prenuptial agreements, I discuss with them all the things that could potentially happen that, statistically speaking, drive up the likelihood of divorce—loss of a child, infertility, a child with a disability (even a mild learning challenge), substance abuse, job loss, gambling, mental or physical illness, any number of other unwelcome or challenging life events can stress a marriage beyond survival.

The psychological research tells us that if getting divorced reduces the conflict between the parents, it is better for the children if the parents divorce. Exposure to parental conflict has a profound and lasting impact on children across all areas of their lives, including academic performance, substance use, career success, and, of course, their future relationships.

Staying in high-conflict marriages also negatively impacts the adults in the relationship, especially their long-term physical and mental health. As painful as it may be to separate, sometimes staying for the kids is not the right answer.

No One Wins a Divorce

When people find themselves in a situation where divorce is inevitable, it doesn’t mean they have to go to war. Part of a family lawyer’s job is to help people separate and divorce with dignity, in a process that preserves the parties’ resources and ability to work together in the future. Lawyers should strive to bring peace and serve as a guide through a constructive process. The lawyers should not be causing more conflict.

When people tell me they want a lawyer who is “a fighter,” I politely disagree. They may need a strong and knowledgeable advisor who can advocate for them in ways they have been unable to advocate for themselves, but no one needs a lawyer whose primary concern is fighting or winning. No one “wins” a divorce.

The best possible outcome is a negotiated resolution that both parties can live with and that serves the interests of the whole family. If one party is stripped of their dignity and financial resources, it does not benefit their children, even if their children are in their 30s.

If a divorce is necessary, whatever the reason, it should be a constructive process that doesn’t drain the family’s savings or create even more conflict. At Lerch Early, we strive for that result in every case.

For more information please contact Meg at (301) 841-2434 or mjmckinney@lerchearly.com.