Based on my 33-plus years as a divorce lawyer, here are my top tips for keeping your spouse out of my office.

Self-Regulation:

Don’t talk to your spouse in a way you wouldn’t dare talk to your boss. If you remember only one tip, remember this one.

Your spouse deserves to be spoken to with respect—at all times, no matter how frustrated, tired, or stressed you are. And it goes without saying that you MUST keep your hands to yourself. Don’t hit, grab, push, shake, tower over, body block, or spit on your spouse.

If you don’t know how to regulate your emotions and keep your hands to yourself, learn. You must not use your spouse as your verbal or physical punching bag. If you can self-regulate at work, then you can self-regulate at home. If you can’t self-regulate at work or at home, then get help. Now.

If you can’t afford professional help, the internet is full of educational videos about self-regulation—breathing, taking a walk, or a timeout. Something will resonate with you, so just get started—and tell your spouse that you are starting. Let them know that you want to do better and that you are working on it.

Self-Regulation 2.0:

Don’t talk to your kids in a way you wouldn’t dare talk to your boss.

Your home should be a sanctuary for everyone who lives there. If you’ve ever taken a management class or read a book about leadership, apply those principles to your interactions with the people in your home. They deserve your utmost respect and calm, sturdy leadership.

If you need help understanding why this is important, start with Good Inside, by Dr. Becky, or What Happened to You by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry. If you want proof that it works, check out www.celebratecalm.com.

Be a Good Shipmate:

My husband spent years on a submarine where every member of the crew had to always do their part to avoid putting everyone’s life at risk. He uses a very simple phrase, spoken calmly and (mostly) without grumpiness, to let our three sons (or me) know when we aren’t doing our part. “Hey, shipmate,” while pointing to the plate on the counter, the shoes in the hall, or whatever is amiss. “Hey, shipmate…” is a simple reminder that we all have to do our part to have a respectful, safe, and harmonious home.

If you haven’t already, or it’s been a while, sit down with your spouse and figure out a fair way to divide the work of your family. If only one of you works outside the home, the person at home can’t be “on the clock” by themselves 24/7. When the other partner is home, they need to be equally engaged in the “work” of the family.

Similarly, if you and your spouse agreed that one of you would stay home for a period of time, check in and make sure the arrangement is still working for both of you. If not, then work out a plan to change the arrangement.

Apologize, Always and Often:

Everyone has bad moments, days, and weeks. When (not if) you screw something up or you snap at your spouse or lose your temper with your kids, apologize.

Practice saying the following: I am so sorry I [snapped at you, yelled at you, called you a name, forgot to tell you my mom is coming to town,…etc.]. That’s not how I want to show up in our relationship, and I will do better. I hope you will accept my apology.

Do not use the word “but” anywhere in your apology. Then, actually do better.

An apology without change won’t help. It is so important to apologize each time you mess up. Don’t assume you’re off the hook because your spouse or kids don’t seem angry at you. You owe them the courtesy of an apology. Otherwise, those hurts add up over time to big resentments that corrode the relationship.

You don’t need to be perfect in your marriage. Marriages involve humans, and humans are by nature imperfect, really imperfect. But if your marriage and your kids are important to you, you need to do whatever it takes to learn how to (1) regulate your emotions, (2) be a good shipmate, and (3) apologize when you mess up.

This may seem very basic, yet I hear it as the reason for divorce every single day. That’s why I wrote this. No amount of date nights, romantic getaways, or gifts will save your marriage if you can’t follow these three fundamental relationship rules.

For more information please contact Meg at (301) 841-2434 or mjmckinney@lerchearly.com.