Divorce doesn’t have to be a battle, and you have more ability than you think to control how acrimonious it becomes. You don’t have to participate in the fight. 

Let go of the Rope

Whatever you were locked in a tug-of-war about during your marriage, once the divorce process starts, it’s time to let go of the rope. There is no point in continuing old fights or creating new ones. The process will be much easier if you disengage. Redirect your energy to moving forward. Stop focusing on old grievances and let the professionals handle the process of disentangling.

Get a Vision for your Future

Even if it wasn’t your choice to separate or divorce, if your spouse wants to exit, you can’t make them stay. And the law doesn’t punish people for leaving their marriage. Everyone can have a civilized unwinding with the right focus. The best thing you can do for yourself, and your children, is focus on the future. Imagine the future that is yours to design—just you, no other voters—and start taking steps to build the future you want.

Don’t Believe Everything You Hear (or think)

Just because your spouse says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Don’t bother responding to whatever your spouse says will happen. It’s just noise—treat it as such, and don’t react. Get advice from a reputable source and don’t let your spouse be the loudest voice in your ear. The corollary to this is to follow the advice you receive—don’t think you know better or can handle it on your own. Divorce is often the most important financial transaction in a person’s life, don’t try to do it without the help of a competent professional.

Shift Your Lens

People often find it easier to let go of anger if they change the way they view their spouse. If you can see your spouse as a flawed human being rather than someone who is intentionally trying to torture you, it is easier to be patient when things get difficult. To that end, there’s no reason to correct or criticize or comment anymore. Resolve yourself to treating your spouse like a difficult client or customer that you have to keep happy, no matter how much of a pain they are.

If you would bite your tongue and smooth things over at work, rather than snap back, then bite your tongue at home. It will buy you some peace as you navigate the unwinding process and it will reduce the level of conflict in your house. Reducing conflict is the single best gift you can give to your children (even the ones who are grown).

Give Grace

Getting divorced is a very scary time. Give your spouse grace and know that if they are lashing out, that’s probably their fear talking. Fear brings out the worst in people. Don’t let your fear get the better of you and don’t react when your partner is acting from their fear. Stay steady. Stay calm. Remind yourself that it’s just the fear talking. Stay focused on having a dignified process, even if your spouse is unable to do the same.

It’s Not Your Job to Give Reality Checks

Let your spouse’s lawyer give them any bad news. It’s no longer your job. You don’t have to comment on their proposals or plans. Even if your mind is screaming, “over my dead body,” your voice should say, “Thank you for sharing your ideas. I’ll need to think about it. I’m sure we will figure out something we can both live with.”

Fake It

Even if you are convinced your spouse will make things difficult, act like you believe that “of course” they will be fair. “Of course” they will do what’s best. “Of course” they will be constructive—that’s the type of decent human being they are, otherwise you wouldn’t have married them. Make it clear you know the two of you have the capacity to be decent and fair to each other. Give them the space and the opportunity to bring their very best self to the process.

One Year Out

Keep in mind that a year from now, everything will be different—and better. Even if you really did not want a divorce, I can almost guarantee that in a year, you will feel completely different. You might even be grateful that your spouse made the call to end it. In 33+ years of divorce work, I can count on one hand the number of people who didn’t feel this way.

In their despair during our initial meeting, clients often ask me how I can do this work. I tell them that, as bad as things seem at that moment, I know from so many years of experience that in a year, their situation will be totally different. In the meantime, they have the power to contribute to a dignified unwinding of their marriage.

(Note: All of this advice applies to situations where there are no safety concerns. If anyone in the household is being abused, safety has to come first, and this may not be the right approach.)

For more information please contact Meg at (301) 841-2434 or mjmckinney@lerchearly.com.