This is not an article about whether divorce is the right choice. For some people, it is.
The more common problem is that the process can escalate quickly. A manageable divorce can turn into something far more expensive, adversarial, and emotionally draining than anyone expected.
Before filing or rushing headlong into litigation, it is worth slowing down and thinking carefully about a few foundational issues. These considerations will not eliminate conflict, but they can help you stay oriented when things speed up, as well as reduce the risk that the process takes on a life of its own.
Below are three ways to keep divorce from escalating into a costly and contentious proceeding that takes on a life of its own.
1. Start with Intention, not Reaction
Divorce has a way of accelerating quickly.
What begins as a contained disagreement can escalate into full-scale conflict in a matter of weeks, sometimes days. When things start moving fast, your goals can be the north star that keep you from reacting, escalating, and burning through time and money.
If you have not decided what you are aiming for, divorce has a way of deciding for you. You end up making choices based on whatever feels most urgent, most insulting, or most frightening in the moment.
This is when small issues start to feel enormous, the tone escalates, and positions harden. Once this happens, it becomes harder to de-escalate and more expensive to get back to a workable place.
Clear goals give you a steady reference point when emotions run high, and they help you and your counsel choose a strategy that matches what you actually want. When you identify your goals very early in the process, it can help you stay on track if things get difficult.
2. Decide Who You Want Making the Decisions
In divorce, it is surprisingly easy to slide into a process where a stranger is making decisions about your finances, your time with your children, and the structure of your future.
Judges are careful, experienced, and well-intentioned, but they are also constrained. They see only a narrow slice of your life, filtered through pleadings, exhibits, and testimony. They make decisions based on limited time, limited information, and legal standards that may not reflect the nuances of your family or your priorities.
That does not mean court involvement is wrong or avoidable in every case. Some disputes must be litigated.
But it is worth recognizing, before you file, that once decisions are handed to a judge, you give up nearly all control. Thinking intentionally about who you want making key decisions helps you choose a process that aligns with your goals, rather than one that leaves you reacting to outcomes you never chose.
3. Focus on Outcomes, not “Winning”
It is natural to want to feel like you “won,” especially when you feel wronged or blindsided.
But divorce is not a contest with a scoreboard. There is rarely a true victory. There are only decisions, tradeoffs, and the reality that you will have to live with the outcome long after the case is closed.
The goal is not to punish the other person or prove a point. The goal is to make decisions that are best for your future, and if you have children, for the future of your family. That often requires compromise, not because you are giving in, but because the alternative frequently is years of conflict, expense, and uncertainty.
That perspective is easier to describe than it is to practice.
Staying outcome-oriented requires discipline. It means pausing before reacting, asking whether a decision serves the life you are trying to build, and remembering that not every provocation deserves a response.
Over time, those small choices add up. They are often the difference between a divorce that resolves itself and one that consumes far more time, money, and emotional energy than anyone anticipated. Divorce will bring hard moments no matter how thoughtful you are.
Decide What Really Matters to You
A runaway divorce train is rarely the result of one decision – it is what happens when small choices are made out of anger, fear, or pride, and no one stops to ask where the track is headed. To avoid this, remember to:
- Set clear goals to keep you oriented.
- Be intentional about the process to keep you in control.
- Stay focused on outcomes to keep you from confusing a moment of satisfaction with a lasting result.
The earlier you decide what matters, the less likely you are to spend years and a small fortune fighting about what does not.
For more information on taking control in the divorce process and other related matters, you can reach Forrest at 301-657-0721 or by email at fylindelof@lerchearly.com.
