For many people the time between when they know they are getting divorced, and when they actually separate, is excruciating—it is often the hardest phase of divorce.

I’ve given the following pieces of advice to my clients to help them get through these challenging times. (Note: All of this advice applies to situations where there are no safety concerns. If anyone in the household is being abused, safety has to come first and this may not be the right approach.)

Let go of the Rope

Whatever you have been locked in a tug-of-war about during your marriage, it’s time to let go of the rope. There is no point in continuing to fight. The process will be much easier if you just stop. Redirect your energy to finding a peaceful way to move forward.

Get a Vision for your Future

Even if you don’t want to move, go look at new places to live. Envision setting up a new home without having to consider anyone else’s opinion. Think about what you will do with the time and energy you gain from letting go of the struggle in your marriage. Imagine the future that is yours to design—just you, no other voters.

Don’t Believe Everything You Hear

Just because your spouse says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Don’t bother responding to whatever your spouse says will happen. It’s just noise—treat it as such, and don’t react. Get advice from a reputable source and don’t let your spouse be the loudest voice in your ear.

Shift Your Lens

Change the way you view your spouse. Can you see them as a flawed human being rather than someone who is intentionally trying to torture you? There’s no reason to correct or criticize or comment anymore—just change your perspective. Resolve yourself to treating your spouse like a difficult client or customer that you have to keep happy, no matter how much of a pain they are.

If you would bite your tongue and smooth things over at work, rather than snap back, then bite your tongue at home. It will buy you some peace as you navigate the unwinding process and it will reduce the level of conflict in your house. Reducing the conflict is the single best gift you can give to your children (even the ones who are grown).

Give Grace

Getting divorced is a very scary time. Give your spouse grace and know that if they are lashing out, that’s their fear talking. Fear brings out the worst in people. Don’t let your fear get the better of you and don’t react when your partner is acting from their fear. Stay steady. Stay calm. Remind yourself that it’s just the fear talking. Stay focused on having a dignified process, even if your spouse is unable to do the same.

It’s Not Your Job to Give Reality Checks

Let your spouse’s lawyer give them any bad news. It’s no longer your job. You don’t have to comment on their proposals or plans. Even if your mind is screaming, “over my dead body,” your voice should say, “Thank you for sharing your ideas. I’ll need to think about it. I’m sure we will figure out something we can both live with.”

Fake It

Even if you are convinced your spouse will make things difficult, act like you believe that “of course” they will be fair. “Of course” they will do what’s best. “Of course” they will be constructive—that’s the type of decent human being they are, otherwise you wouldn’t have married them. Make it clear you know the two of you have the capacity to be decent and fair and to have a dignified unwinding. Give them the space and the opportunity to bring their very best self to the process—be prepared to give it repeatedly.

One Year Out

Know that a year from now everything will be different—and better. Even if you really did not want a divorce, I can almost guarantee that in a year you will feel completely different. You might even be grateful that your spouse made the call to end it. In 32+ years of divorce work, I can count on one hand the number of people who didn’t feel this way.

In their despair during our initial meeting, clients often ask me how I can do this work. I tell them that as bad as things seem at that moment, I know from so many years of experience, that in a year their situation will be totally different.

I frequently remind clients that one year will make all the difference. Their life will feel so much better. In the meantime, they have the power to contribute to a dignified unwinding of their marriage.

For more information please contact Meg at (301) 841-2434 or mjmckinney@lerchearly.com.